You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
