Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
