I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
