dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
