Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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