the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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