Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
