i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
