moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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