i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Buhtt sex?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
