Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
