Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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