did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
