I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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