He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
