She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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