You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
