This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
