U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Randomize
