I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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