I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
