There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
