New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
