I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
