New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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