I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
