im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
