the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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