i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My life is pants optional.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
