I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
