I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
