Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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