I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
