Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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