I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
