a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
