ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
