Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
