We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Randomize
