I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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