fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
