While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
