So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
