She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
