she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
