Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
