Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The chlamydia really affected his face.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
