I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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