My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
