Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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