I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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