I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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