Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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